New Jersey Humor

This page is a list of any and all New Jersey Jokes I can find. Please feel free to make a submission.

69 Ways to Tell You Are from New Jersey

69. You went to Seaside after your Senior Prom.
68. You watched "Mallrats" and said, "I've been to that mall!" [Even though it was filmed in Minnesota -- B. Bokista] [Well, some scenes were filmed at US Rt. 1 Fleamarket in New Brunswick --  Curt B.]
67. At least half of the people you went to high school with went to Rutgers.
66. You know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried.
65. Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
64. You long for the days when the Devil wore Christmas colors.
63. You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from NY.
62. You've been to the Meadowlands Fair.
61. You've planned a local trip around passing at least one Dunkin Donuts.
60. You do not think of citrus when people mention the "Oranges."
59. You know that it's called "Great Adventure", not "Six Flags."
58. You actually know bakeries that are not part of a supermarket, but are individual stores.
57. You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
56. You've gone to a diner after drinking all night.
55. You've eaten at that diner at 3 am at least a dozen times.
54. At least 3 people in your family still like Bruce Springsteen.
53. "Anyone who makes bad pizza can bite me!"
52. You always use at least 10 variation of "damn" while driving.
51. You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.
50. You once said "It smells like New York in here."
49. You can go bowling at 1:30 am (w/ automatic scoring).
48. In high school, you knew someone who worked at a Friendly's or Stewart's.
47. The Garden State Parkway does not freak you out at night.
46. You know what a "jug handle" is.
45. You have mandatory recycling - enforced by law.
44. You've eaten a porkroll, egg & cheese on a hard roll -- and loved it.
43. You go to the boardwalk at least once a year.
42. You've pondered..."Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets weren't here."
41. You say the words "water", "coffee", "dog" and "whatever", like this "wadder", "cawfee", "dowg" and "wadever".
40. Even your high school cafeteria made good subs.
39. You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and brushfires, but you have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.
38. You can't believe that MTV went to Seaside Heights.
37. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.
36. You only go to NYC for day trips.
35. You've run out of money on the Parkway.
34. You're Italian.
33. You know where to get a great bagel.
32. You think Perkins is terrible and should have never opened any restaurants here.
31. There are no self-serve gas stations -- and you like it that way.
30. You have had sex on the beach (not the drink).
29. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.
28. The Jet/Giants game has started fights at your local bar.
27. Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.
26. You can't understand why there aren't any 24 hour diners in the rest of the country.
25. You live within 45 minutes of at least 3 different malls.
24. Someone at the beach once called you a "benny."
23. You can see the NYC skyline from some part of your town.
22. You know what MCCC is and a good percentage of people from your high school went there.
21. You've seen or been in a fight over the Rangers and Devils.
20. You have, or know someone who has, Mafia connections.
19. You're related to someone who think the NY Jets should be the New Jersey Jets.
18. You have at least one friend who drives a truck.
17. You've been camping.
16. You've been in a city or town where Spanish is spoken more than English.
15. You can't remember when Clifton didn't win a softball championship.
14. You know where to gets drugs in Trenton, Paterson, Newark or New York.
13. You've been to a party in the woods.
12. You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.
11. You've played in a P.A.L. league.
10. You liked the Jets, even before Bill Parcells.
9. You know where to get a fresh Taylor ham, egg and cheese at 2 am.
8. You don't take no crap from no one.
7. You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.
6. At sometime you got on the wrong highway while trying to leave Willowbrook Mall.
5. Z-100 used to be your favorite, now it's K-Rock.
4. Anything less than 3 inches of snow isn't worth your time.
3. Someone on the road cut you off and you used at least four swear words to tell them what you thought.
2. You think people from South Jersey talk funny.
1. You know someone who lives in a neighborhood with contaminated water, because of toxic chemicals.

• There is no beach, just "the shore". [Submitted by H. Gizzi]
• You know the names of the three Pep Boys. [Submitted by H. Gizzi]
• You know what town Bruce Springsteen is from, which high school he went to and where he lives now. [Submitted by H. Gizzi, C. Middleton]
• You know what town Bon Jovi is from and can spell his real name. [Submitted by H. Gizzi]
• You know where Kevin Smith's comic book store is. You also believe he's the model for the Simpsons' "Comic Book Guy". [Submitted by K. Gobac]
• "Been there . . . been there . . . drove past that . . . shopped there once" -- your response to the opening credits of The Sopranos. [Submitted by C. Middleton]
• You can toss 35 cents out of your driver's side window into a funnel of 12" diameter at 55 mph.
• You've been to two malls in one day. [Submitted by E. Caraballo]
• When you want to know where people live, you ask "Which exit?" [Submitted by M. Zurofsky]
• It's funny how the New Jersey state bird is the third finger on everyone's hand. [Submitted by M. Matelski]
• You can't believe that MTV went to Seaside Heights -- a second time! [Submitted by K. Gobac]
• NJ State Motto: "Road Closed" [Submitted by B. Cardona]
• You can quickly rattle off the names of ten friends whose last names end with an "i" or an "a" -- and five names that begin with an "O". [Submitted by H. M. J.]
• Your sister became a nun and your uncle is under indictment. [Submitted by L. Meisel]
• You're used to that strange smell that people from other states complain about. [Submitted by T. Kernan]
• Two wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights do make a left. [Submitted by D. Minich]
• You have ever been through Cowtown on your way to eat the best pizza (Mack and Manco's) in a dry town and have Polish Italian Ice for dessert. [Submitted by P. Meidna]
• Pizza is listed as "Tomato Pies" in the phone book. [Submitted by D. Umeda]
• You know about the southbound speed trap on the Parkway right after the Arts Center. [Submitted by J. Worman]
• Pizza isn't pizza if it doesn't flop in the front with grease dripping off the end. [Submitted by K. Iossa]
• You remember River View Beach and getting there on The Wilson Line. [Submitted by A. Fesser]
• You hate people who think you love Bon Jovi. [Submitted by W. Myers]
• You are a safe driver in New Jersey, but deadly elsewhere. [Submitted by W. Myers]
• It isn't Atlantic City.  It's A.C. [Submitted by C. Huttemann]
• You remember Jungle Habitat and all the stories about wild animals running loose after it closed. [Submitted by K. Rotello]

You might want to check out this amusing website. It is work-friendly, but it does have a default audio when you click.

Any additions or suggestions are welcome. Click here to email them.

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