Lexicographic order

Aging
When the mind remembers worse and the body remembers better.
Baseball
Better playing through chemistry.
Bell, Alexander Graham (1847 - 1922)
The man who made tele-marketing possible.
Branded goods
Frigidaire stoves and Hotpoint refrigerators.
Business suit
A costume which makes the wearer's thought and speech become wooly.
Charitable contribution to Israel
... gets you tax relief.
Charitable contribution to Palestine
... gets you arrested.
Clinton era
When a president's dishonesty went no further than his sexual peccadillos.
Commercial democracy
Features the very finest politicians that money can buy.
Commercial democracy - millennium edition
Selecting the one with the most money, not the most votes.
Commercial democracy - 2004 edition
Which Skull-and-Bones Yalie do you want?
Commercial democracy - 2008 edition
Finally, an end to the nepotism.
Conspiracy theory
In Oliver Stone's "JFK", Jim Garrison's co-worker is Newman from "Seinfeld".
Couple's right to choose
Exercised at conception.
Darwin, Charles (1809 - 1882)
Cambridge's most famous theology student.
Declaration of Independence
The pursuit of Happiness and merciless Indian Savages.
Defense of Marriage
Legislation drafted by divorced politicians.
Developer
Turns soil into sprawl.
Dick Cheney Blues
Got drunk / Shot a guy /
Sent to the Big House Stayed in the White House
Driving
Something to do while you're talking on the phone.
Edison, Thomas Alva (1847 - 1931)
New Jersey's most famous applied physicist.
Einstein, Albert (1879 - 1955)
New Jersey's most famous theoretical physicist.
English orthography
If it gets past the smell-checker, it must be rite.
Entrepreneurship
A nation of shopkeepers [Napoleon Bonaparte].
Fast color
Slow to fade.
Fast food
Food that makes you want to fast.
Ferrari, Lexus, Mercedes, ...
Why are the best cars made by Axis Powers?
Fitness club
Where you take the elevator to reach the stair machines.
Five-hundred year flood
A natural disaster occuring every fifteen years.
Give peace a chance
--- John Lennon (1969)
Give war a chance
--- George W. Bush (2007)
Hangover
The wrath of grapes [Anon, with apologies to John Steinbeck].
Heaven
French cooks and English police, Swiss engineers and Italian lovers.
Hell
English cooks and French police, Italian engineers and Swiss lovers.
Hermit
Head of a 1-person household.
Holy roller
Semi-trailer plastered with pseudo-religious slogans.
Housework
Sweeping away cobwebs and hanging out flypaper.
Human resources
Treating people like mineral resources.
Inauguration Day 2005
Washington under lockdown to "Celebrate Freedom."
Inauguration Day 2009
When Cheney was wheeled away.
Iowa
Where "REPUBLICAN LEADER RANTS" wasn't always a complete sentence.
iPod™
Hearing aid trainer.
Israeli history
From lifeboat to gunboat.
Jeb Bush!
Slogan of Republicans in Florida and democrats in Slovakia.
Land of the free
Country with the world's highest incarceration rate.
Liberal
Left-wing in America and right-wing in Australia.
Logo
How much does Mr. Hilfiger pay you to advertise him?
Love
A temporary insanity curable by marriage [Ambrose Bierce].
Mayflower
One of America's first boatloads of illegal immigrants.
Mean value
Fifty percent of the population are of below average intelligence.
Midwest
The region of the US comprising Normal, Illinois and Peculiar, Missouri.
Mortality
The spice of life.
Neo-con
However neo, still a con.
Optimist
A person who confidently believes that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
Pessimist
A person who very much fears that we are living in the best of all possible worlds.
Pop culture
Knowing that Paris Hilton is not a hotel.
Pornography
It's not the teat, it's the tumidity [William Safire].
Probability theory
Doctrine that the universe contains almost nothing.
Prince Charles' job description
Wait for your mother to die (by the way, her mother lived to 100).
Princess Diana
Gave whole new meaning to the term "barf queen."
Rap
Neo-doggerel, à la McGonagall.
Reality show
Artificial entertainment.
Redundancy
Rice pilaf and apple cider bought and paid for with cash money from the ATM.
Republican
Left-wing in Spain and right-wing in America.
South African history
From Botha to Thabo.
Sports teams
Eagles, Tigers, and other endangered species.
Stars and Stripes
Accessory used to decorate Japanese cars and trucks.
Star Trek
Their ongoing mission:
To boldly split infinitives no man has split before.
Swimming
Activity conducted in sewage or in dilute hydrochloric acid.
Text message
2 B R 0 2 B i.e. ? [William Shakespeare].
Think-tank scholar
Oxymoron.
Unborn child
Concept that makes sense to an undeceased corpse.
United States history
From George the Third to George the Forty-Third.
University bookstore
For the sale of print media, mainly T-shirts.
Values
What politicians profess when they don't have any idea.
Vegetarianism
It's OK to eat them if they don't belong to our kingdom.
W
Put the pot in POTUS.
What would Jesus drive?
A full-size pickup, like any self-respecting fisherman.
White is black
True statement from news reports on the 2001 Ashcroft confirmation hearings.
WYSIWYG
What you see is what you get -- even if it isn't what you want.
Zero-emissions vehicle
Pollutes from the power plant instead of the tailpipe.

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